Another Epic

Another Epic by Malo Beto

A long, long time ago in a galaxy far away. Someone fell out of a wormhole onto a planet with no atmosphere and died. While that currently has no relevance to the story

In any way but now I can bring it back as a Chekhov’s Gun later.

The currently relevant story begins on a dark and somewhat stormy night where I was walking down a street. Suddenly two guys in dark suits and sunglasses walked up behind me and hit me with a tazer. Then they tied me up, stuck me in the trunk of their car, and drove off.

Luckily for me they forgot to search me and they were bad at tying knots because I was easily able to break out of the ropes and when they opened the trunk I shot them both in the face with my .44 magnum.

The car was parked behind a suspiciously unsuspicious building where they were obviously taking me. “Hmmm” I thought, “that’s suspicious… I better go investigate”. So I walked into the building where a clerk greeted me.

“Hello” said the clerk

“Gasp” I replied

“Do you have an appointment?”

“No”

“I think you do”

“No I'm pretty sure I don’t”

“No see your name is right here under the list that says…” I shot him in the face… repeatedly. I broke down the door behind me and ran in shooting randomly. I hit several guards and the rest ran away.

There were three doors leading out of that room one said “Faceless Minions”, the next one said “Minor Characters” and the third said “Major Characters”. After much thought I decided it was probably a bad idea to see what was behind the “Faceless Minions” door, and minor characters were all annoying stereotypes, so I went through the “Major Characters” door.

Sitting on the floor in front of me was… The MACGUFFIN (insert dramatic music here). Well technically its only A MACGUFFIN (insert dramatic music here) there are many of them but it gets annoying if you have more than one in the same story

Anyway… back to the story.

So I had just grabbed the MACGUFFIN (insert dramatic music here) when one of the guards burst into the room and pointed a gun at the back of my head. He made me drop all of my weapons and then he started gloating about how he captured me and there was no way I could escape.

“Mulligan” I said

“Damn it” said the guard as he walked out of the room. A few seconds later he burst back into the room. This time I was ready for him and I shot him in the face… his head exploded.

The moral of this chapter is if you ambush someone you better kill them before they say “mulligan”.

A few seconds later I burst out of the back door, broke into a car, hotwired it, and drove off. After outrunning the police several times I finally decided that I was tired and that I should stop at the next hotel I saw which just happened to be Hotel California.

It was a pretty nice place the only complaints I had were that people kept waking me up in the middle of the night to tell me “welcome to the Hotel California” so I had t shoot a few of them, and the clerk told me I could check out anytime I liked but I could never leave so I had to shoot him too. Overall I would give it a 3 out of 4 stars for a great bar but really annoying (but now dead) employees.

Well I stole another, nicer car and drove back home where I stocked up on weapons and ammo because its common knowledge that a MACGUFFIN (insert dramatic music here) attracts a plot… which usually comes with a large amount of danger.

“Gasp” I thought, “I’ve never had a plot before” So I sat in my front lawn with a shotgun and a beer waiting for a plot to happen.

Finally after several hours of waiting, or a few six-packs of beer however you want to look at it, a pair of lawyers walked up to me. “Oh crap,” I thought, “they’re probably here about the noodle incident again…” Thinking quickly I screamed “YOU CANT PROVE IT WAS ME!!!!!” before they could say anything, which is always a good thing to do with lawyers.

“Umm sir we don’t know what you’re talking about” explained the first lawyer “and even if we did we don’t work for that kind of company”

“We’re here to explain the terms and conditions of having a plot and we’ll also need you to sign this contract,” said the second lawyer shoving a 500-page contract in my face.

“Oh… so does this mean I cant get a plot until I sign that?” I asked

“Well no” replied the first lawyer “technically the MACGUFFIN (insert dramatic music here) already provides a plot. Notice the small amount of back-story you unknowingly gave your self back there, and the unusual amount of semi-meaningful dialog for a story like this”

“Gasp you’re right” I said “but what would happen if I refused to sign it?”

“Well” said the second lawyer “then we would have to kill you and take the MACGUFFIN (insert dramatic music here) back to IPA”

“The India Pale Ale?” I asked

“No the International Plot Association” explained both the lawyers angrily.

“Oh” I said. I probably would have shot them both but I suddenly realized that one of the lawyers was Clint Eastwood with a .44 Magnum. He told me that I “better sign it… punk.” I figured that’s probably the most convincing sentence that I ever heard so I signed it in exchange for Clint Eastwood autographing my .44 magnum.

After I was done signing all 500 pages then the lawyers decided it would probably be a good idea to explain the contract to me. Basically all it said I understood that I couldn’t kill an important named character without a epic battle, the epicness of which had to be proportional to the character’s importance. Not only would that be violating the contract but it was also now physically impossible. The only other stipulation that really affected me was that I had to find a major villain for my plot within 30 days or they would take the MACGUFFIN!!!!!!(Insert dramatic music here) back.

So I finished my beer and stumbled down the street in search of a major villain.

“Damnit” I thought, “now that I have a plot alcohol actually affects me”. I wasn’t able to find any major villains but I was able to find several minor villains. None of which had names so I was able to defeat them with a nice bullet to the brain.

I went home and went to bed. When I woke up I was in a big hangover. So I broke into a hospital and “borrowed” all of this guy’s morphine. He started screaming, which got really annoying so I shot him in the face.

Once the morphine ran out I also realized that my hangover was gone too. I think I would have overdosed but the plot prevented me, the protagonist, from dieing. I was still quite high so I stumbled off down the street looking for a major villain.

After several weeks of searching I ended up in Georgia when suddenly the devil jumped up on a hickory stump and said “boy let me tell you what”.

“I’m not a boy” I replied but he just ignored me

“I bet you didn’t know it but I’m a fiddle player too”

“Actually I did and I can’t play the fiddle”

“And if you care to take a dare ill make a bet with you”

“Well gambling is quite fun”

“Now you play pretty good fiddle boy”

“Like I just said no I cant and I’m not a boy”

“But give the devil his due”

“I already paid my taxes”

“I bet this fiddle of gold against your soul to think I’m better than you”

“No” I told him

“What?” he asked

“Well first of all” I explained, “I have no soul, second I can’t play the fiddle, and third I have no use for a gold fiddle.”

“Oh…” said the devil “I was afraid you might have some moral issue with making deals with the devil”

I stared at him blankly for several seconds. “I really hope you have no clue who I am,” I said

“No I don’t I’m just ambushing random people in Georgia” replied the devil “so what’s your name anyway?”

“Malo Beto” I told him

“Gasp!” he said “you’re like my role model… will you autograph my pitchfork?”

“Well” I replied “I’m kind of in need of a major villain so ill trade you my autograph for one”

“Deal!” said the devil “your autograph goes for 5,000,000,000,000 soul on e-bay”

So I autographed the devil’s pitchfork and a random guy popped up beside me.

“Hi I’m Bueno Beto,” he said

“Hi I’m Malo Beto” I responded.

“So sense I'm your major villain, shouldn’t I be trying to kill you right now?” he asked.’

“Yeah I guess,” I said. So Bueno Beto pulled out a knife and began repeatedly stabbing me in the chest. Of course, because of the plot he completely missed any vital organs but I still fell to the group bleeding profusely. I quickly pulled out my autographed .44 magnum and shot Bueno Beto in the chest several times, but of course, because of the plot he was able to limp off.

“So…” said the devil “do you need an ambulance or something?”

“No I'm fine,” I told him “it’ll start raining here in a few minutes. Then I’ll crawl my way to the middle of a forest where I’ll pass out just before I am found by an old man who just happens to be a former badass who just happens to be living in a small hut in the forest for some irrelevant reason or another. So he’ll take me back to his hut where he’ll magically cure all my wounds overnight. Then he’ll force me to tell him everything that happened in the story up to this point. Then he will show me some really obscure training methods so we can go into a training montage after which I will be significantly more badass. The next scene will obviously be us getting ambushed by Bueno Beto’s minions and the old man getting fatally wounded which will send me into a random “berserker rage” (even though I wont feel any sorrow over the old man’s death and may actually be thankful for it) allowing me to easily dispatch the remainder of the minions. Finally the old man, who is barely still alive, will tell me some big secret that he’s been withholding for this entire time which will somehow give me some crazy new insight on the meaning of whatever quest it is I’m on immediately afterwards he will die.”

“Wow you’ve really got that well planned out,” said the devil

“Tvtropes.com”

I replied as it began to rain and I crawled off. After a few hours of crawling I finally passed out immediately after I was found by an old man who took me back to his hut and magically healed all my stab wounds. Once I woke up he gave me some crappy food and then acted like he expected me to ask him something. When I asked him about it he said I must be curious about who he was.

“Not really” I said.

‘But I'm supposed to tell you how badass I used to be” he whined

“Well judging by the condition of this hut and the fact that you have no cool yet conveniently disguised magical items on or anywhere near you probably weren’t all that badass.” I told him “so could we skip all this and just go directly to the training montage and then you teaching me some extremely obscure and situational fighting technique that obviously will be utterly useless until the very end of this story where it’ll come back as a Chekhov’s gun?”

“Now listen here” said the old man obviously getting annoyed with my chaotic alignment “back in my day we listened to our mentors rant about things that were of no relevance to the story whatsoever before we could even think about starting any form of a training scene, and then we didn’t have the technology to make a good montage so we would have to do it scene by scene usually taking up at least a quarter of whatever form of entertainment that was used.”

“So are you like a character from one of the Eragon books or what?” I asked. I never got an answer but I think I was right judging by the fact that it looked like the good part of his alignment wanted to strangle me but the lawful part prevented it. Eventually after much amusing twitching the lawful side won, but only barely, and he ran out into the forest screaming. “Wow what an asshole” I thought.

The by the next day I think his lawful and good sides came to agreement because (the rest of this scene has been censored due to uselessly excessive ranting).

Finally after many days and uselessly excessive rants later we finally got to the training montage. Afterward, as predicted, I was significantly more badass. Also as predicted the next scene was me and the old man getting ambushed by Bueno Beto’s minions. I was able to shoot most of them before the old man was fatally wounded by being shot in the chest.

“Thank you” I told the evil minion who had shot the old man as I began to go into a “berserker rage” despite the fact that I wasn’t angry at all.

“Why are you thanking me?” asked the evil minion.

“Well first off you just fatally wounded the annoying old man…” I started to say

“I have a name you know” interrupted the old man “its…” I shot him in the face just before he was able to say his name.

“Wow that was close,” I said as I quickly finished off the remainder of the evil minions “he almost got his name off before I could shoot him”. I had killed the minions faster than expected and had a little extra time before the plot continued on as planned, so in homage to one of the greatest chaotic evil characters of all time I climbed up on top of the pile of corpses of the evil minions, took of my shoes, and screamed “I AM A SEXY SHOELESS GOD OF WAR!!!!!!!!!!!”.

By the time I was done with that the plot had caught back up with me. “So I guess I’ve got to swear to avenge the death of that old man who shall remain nameless,” I thought as I began to walk off. “Hey wait a minute…” I thought, “I’m the one who killed him…” “Oh well” I said as a pulled out my .44 magnum and shot myself in the head “suicide is painless”.

“Back again?” asked death as she appeared beside my incorporeal spirit that was now floating in the air next to my dead body.

“Yeah” I responded

“That was faster than normal” she commented, “So what was it this time?”

“Suicide” I told her

“Hmm you haven’t done that in a while”

“Yeah it’s a long story involving me getting a plot and shooting an old man who shall remain nameless in the face”

“Wow you never had a plot before”

“Yeah that’s what I said”

“So… you know that you’ll probably have to wait several thousand years to get reincarnated now”

“What!!!??”

“Well it’s this new policy we’ve got. People who commit suicide now have to wait at least 3000 years before requesting reincarnation”

“But I have to finish my plot!”

“Sorry I don’t make the rules I just collect the souls” So me, Death, and some of her friends/siblings decided to play a 3000-year game of Monopoly, which ended in an epic financial battle between me and Lucifer who had taken control of the bank early on in the game. I was able to win though by repeatedly robbing the bank and using the money to buy nukes to nuke is hotels and turn all the properties other than my own into nuclear wastelands. By the time we were finished with Monopoly my application for reincarnation had been approved and in a couple seconds I popped up in the exact same location where I had died only now it was 3000 years in the future.

“Wow” I thought, “they really improved the reincarnation process… this time I’ve got clothes on”. I tried to block out the bad memories of the last time I was reincarnated. Suddenly I realized that I was underwater… in a lake… of acid… surrounded by acid breathing sharks. “Crap” I thought “now my nice new clothes are going to get wet… and have holes burned in them by the acid”. Luckily I had long forgone obeying the laws of physics which allowed me to be able escape without them being damaged too badly.

When I got to shore I realized that I was standing on a yellow-brick road. Suddenly a pack of midgets jumped out of the nearby bushes and told me to “follow the yellow-brick road” in annoying high pitched voices. Immediately I reached for my .44 magnum but I realized I must have left it along with the MACGUFFIN!!!!!!!!!!!!(Insert dramatic music here) in the past with my dead body. So thinking quickly I grabbed a semi-pointy stick that was lying on the ground nearby and imbedded it into the skull of one of the midgets.

“Oh well” I thought, “This will have to do” After all the midgets were dead I was hungry. I found the midgets camp in the woods nearby. They had a strange stew-like substance cooking that looked like stew, tasted like stew, and smelled like stew, but it had no meat so it obviously wasn’t stew.

“I want to eat stew not stew-like substance” I thought “good thing there’s all this fresh meat lying around” So I improvised the meat and had a nice hot bowl of midget stew fir dinner that night. “Mmm… midget stew” I thought.

The next day I decided to go to the customer service of whatever evil empire which happened to be in power at this point in time and complain that there were too many acid breathing sharks, and midgets with annoyingly high pitched voices. Also while I was there I was going to check the lost and found for my autographed .44 magnum and the MACGUFFIN!!!!!!!!!!!! (Insert dramatic music here).

So I set off for the capitol, which just happened to be named Bueno Beto City and was located somewhere in the Rocky Mountains.

“I wonder who the evil dictator is…” I thought “well at least they didn’t make it some place next to the sea where it would be easy for someone to just sail up the river and attack it with little to no warning *cough* USA *cough*.”

By the time I got to Bueno Beto City I was hungry and I had recently watched Pulp Fiction. So I broke into a guy’s house, ate his tasty burger, the cornerstone of any nutritious breakfast, and drank his sprite. Then I misquoted Ezekiel 25:17 and shot him several times with a gun I had found.

After that I went to the customer service building and after a little “negotiating” I got them to take me to the dictator. “Gasp” I said as they led me into a small skull shaped office building “its Bueno Beto… there’s no way I could have guessed that!”. So me and Bueno Beto had a few years and he told me everything that had been going on in the past 3000 years. In exchange I gave him some advice on how to run his evil empire.

“If you’re the opposite of me you must be lawful good” I said, “So how did you get an evil empire?”

“Well almost immediately after you had shot me in the chest I realized that it was pretty difficult to be a villain if your alignment is good” replied Bueno Beto “so I had to find an ancient artifact that would corrupt me so I could be evil”

“I guess that makes sense,” I said.

“That reminds me’ said Bueno Beto “I'm required to ask you if you would like to join my evil empire.”

“Well normally I would accept your offer, kill you, take control, and eventually get bored and let anarchy break lose,” I said “but it clearly states in my plot contract that ‘at no point in the time I have this plot can I be part of a group that identifies itself as evil’”.

“Oh well,” said Bueno Beto disappointedly “ it was worth a shot…I guess ill have to throw you in jail now”

So I was thrown in jail… which just happened to have a really nice bed, a hot tub, plus the jailer just happened to be a hobbit so I got 7 meals I day (breakfast, second breakfast, elevensies, luncheon, afternoon tea, dinner, and supper.). For obvious reasons I decided to stay there for several days until the plot required that I break out.

So I pulled out the gun I always kept under my sombrero and shot the guard. I was about to unlock the door when some members of the resistance ran in and started shooting the other guards.

“HEY STOP STEALING MY KILLS!” I screamed as I kicked down the door “damn noobs”. I shot as many of the guards as I could before the resistance killed them all (I also “accidentally shot some of the resistance members too)

“Hey its Robert” I heard one of the resistance members shout.

“That’s Malo Beto to you!” I shouted back as several resistance members walked toward me. “Do I know you or something?” I asked. Diana punched me in the face and told me it was karma. “Right” I said, “now I remember… Josh Belden, Diana Stanley, and… um… Neil O’Ryan”

“That’s Ryan O’Neal,” said Ryan. He wanted to punch me in the face too but his neutral good alignment prevented him from doing so.

So I joined the resistance and went back to their base where their extremely genre blind leader was planning to get a .44 magnum and a MACGUFFIN!!!!!!! (Insert dramatic music here).

“Excuse Me,” I said “does that .44 magnum have Clint Eastwood’s autograph on it and does that MACGUFFIN (insert dramatic music here) always followed by dramatic music?”

“Um… yes how did you know that?” said the genre blind leader.

“Wow you really are genre blind” I said “isn’t it obvious that they are mine…”

“Gasp!!!” said the extremely gene blind resistance leader “that must mean you’re the reincarnation of the hero who fought Bueno Beto 3000 years ago!”

“Well I guess you could say that” as I pulled out my gun and shot him in the face “but I find the term “hero” deeply offensive”. So I declared myself the new almost dangerously genre savvy leader of the resistance and Diana, Ryan, and Josh decided to join me because rebelling against the rebellion couldn’t hurt.

So the first thing I did as the new, almost dangerously genre savvy leader of the resistance was to form a five-man band to reclaim my MACGUFFIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!(Insert dramatic music here) and autographed .44 magnum. Ryan was the tank, Diana was the healer, and me josh and a human paladin named Leeroy Jenkins, who had been sent to me as a gift from my friends Lartin Muther and the Leeroy Jenkins guild, as the DPS.

So me, Diana, Ryan, and Josh were standing in front of the dungeon discussing our strategy while Leeroy was AFK getting chicken. Suddenly Leeroy got back and ran into the dungeon screaming “LEEEEEEROOOOYY!!!!!! JEEEEENNKIIINNNSSSSS!!!!!!!!”

“Oh my God he just ran in,” said Josh

“Stick to the plan!!! Stick to the plan!!!!” I shouted as a charged in after him. As I stepped into the dungeon I saw Leeroy heading for the first group of about 67 MOBs.

“God damnit Leeroy” I said as I shot him in the back of the head before the could cross the agro line.

“Hey at least I have chicken” responded Leeroy as he was kicked from the group and replaced by Thej Oker.

Meanwhile Bueno Beto was reading the Macguffin Delivery Service trope on tvtropes when suddenly a red-shirted messenger burst into his office and told him about us searching for the MACGUFFIN!!!!!!!!!!!(Insert dramatic music here) and the .44 magnum. Bueno Beto had an idea. He decided to get a platoon of red-shirted mooks and wait outside the entrance to the dungeon until we came out then ambush us while we were still weak.

That plan would have worked out perfectly but after a few hours a waiting Bueno Beto got impatient and decided to send his mooks in to get the MACGUFFIN!!!!!!!!!!(insert dramatic music here) and the .44 magnum themselves.

Well my genre savvyness had allowed me to predict exactly what Bueno Beto was going to do. So I had waited outside for him to get the MACGUFFIN!!!!!!!!!!!(Insert dramatic music here) and my .44 magnum. My plan would have worked perfectly too but I had forgotten that my .44 magnum was an infinity plus one weapon and we were defeated.

Well as a result of their good alignments Ryan and Diana argued over who would stay behind and get captured while the rest of us escaped. As a result they both were captured and interrogated by being forced to play FATAL and roll rather large amounts of dice for stats like “orifice sizes” and to find out if you are mentally retarded or not.

Damn it!” I said once we had gotten to safety “we have to get them back!”

“Right” said Josh.

“If Bueno Beto so much as gets a scratch on either of them I’ll (this description has been censored due to graphic violence and unmentionable things).

“Right”

“Hey wait a minute,” said Thej Oker, interrupting the dramatic close up on my face that would have been happening if this was a movie, “I didn’t think you cared that much about other people”

“Huh?” I said confused at what he was implying “I don’t, I was talking about the MACGUFFIN!!!!!!!!!!!(Insert dramatic music here) and my .44 magnum. Why what did you think?”

“Never mind” replied Thej Oker

That afternoon we stopped in a small town suitably named “Generic Town” to stock up on equipment. Thej Oker bought some throwing knives and some explosives; Josh bought some used catch phrases like “zoinks!”, “inconceivable!”, and “holy rusted metal batman!”; and I bought some Geico Karma insurance, because 15 minutes could save you 15% or more on you karma insurance.

We had some extra cash so we went to the bar got drunk and completely forgot about our quest for about a week. Meanwhile Diana and Ryan were just finishing up rolling the 1d100,000 for each of their stats.

Once we finally remembered what we were doing before we got drunk we quickly ran to the nearest shop and tried to buy three dragons but we were almost broke from all the beer and liquor that we had bought so all we could afford were two defective pegusi which each only had one wing.

So I came up with the genius idea to tie the two pegusi together, sense each had a wing on the opposite side of the other, and ride them like a raft. Of course there was only room for two people on top of the Pegasus raft and we ended up having to hang Josh from a rope below them but it all worked out in the end.

So eventually we got to Bueno Beto City but apparently Bueno Beto had been expecting us and the guards immediately started shooting. As we were flying over the wall a bullet severed Josh’s rope and he fell down and probably sustained several injuries. A couple minutes later another bullet clipped the wing of the Pegasus that Thej Oker was riding on and we started to fall. Thinking quickly I cut the rope that tied the two Pegasus together causing Thej Oker to fall down into a rather dark alley. My Pegasus couldn’t fly effectively with just one wing, but I was able to keep him airborne long enough to crash through the middle of the giant prison tower in the center of the city.

“Damn” I thought, “I should have bought Pegasus insurance too”

“Hey its Robert!” said Diana.

“That’s Malo Beto” I corrected her.

“Whatever, so are you here to rescue us?’

“Umm… actually I’m just here to get the MACGUFFIN!!!!!!!!!!!(Insert dramatic music here) and my .44 magnum but you can come along if you want, I could always use some backup”

“While you’re at it could you burn this? “game”?” asked Ryan pointing to FATAL

“Well normally I could but in this case that would be an insult to fire, and fire isn’t something you want to insult… trust me” So Ryan, being of the Neutral Good alignment, decided to take it upon himself to take FATAL with him and find a way to destroy it.

We broke out of the giant prison tower and made camp in the sewer to avoid the patrols that were searching for us and I roasted my dead Pegasus for dinner.

“I wonder if we could cut it up and throw it into the sewer” said Ryan.

“Huh?” I asked confused.

“FATAL” said Ryan.

“Oh right” I said “um no that would be an insult to cutting implements and sewers.”

“Oh…” said Ryan disappointingly “well maybe we could…”

“Just shut up and eat your Pegasus Ryan”.

The next day we traveled through the sewers until we were right below Bueno Beto’s palace. “Ok” I said “here’s he plan, Ryan and Diana you run up first and distract all the guards while I sneak off and grab my .44 magnum and the MACGUFFIN!!!!!!!!!!! (Insert dramatic music here)”

“Hey!” shouted on of the many guards that were now charging at us “you’re under arrest!”

“Crap” I said “ok, slight change of plans, Diana and Ryan you distract these guards, I’ll run up grab the MACGUFFIN!!!!!!!!!!!(Insert dramatic music here) and my .44 magnum, then ill run back down here with the rest of the guards chasing me so I can pull something out of my ass… I mean my trench coat, that will allow us to escape”.

“What!!???!” shouted Ryan and Diana simultaneously.

“Stop whining!” I said as I ran off “you’ve got the easiest part”.

I climbed out of the sewers into Bueno Beto’s palace and activated a stealth boy to slip past the guards. I made my up several levels to Bueno Beto’s office where I kicked down the door and found the MACGUFFIN!!!!!!!!!!!(insert dramatic music here) and my .44 magnum lying on his desk. I quickly grabbed them then spun around to find Bueno Beto pointing a sawed-off shotgun at me.

“(Insert Random monologue about how I fell into Bueno Beto’s trap that I might have considered including in the epic but I wasn’t really paying attention here)” said Bueno Beto.

I would have killed Bueno Beto right there but apparently kicking down the door had set off an alarm and now every guard/mook/evil minion within 10 miles was converging on my position so I really didn’t have time for an epic battle. So I settled for just shooting the sawed-off shotgun out of Bueno Beto’s hand then shooting him in the leg and running.

A soon as I stepped out of the office I saw a mass of evil minions charging at me. There was everything from Dick Chaney to Packs Of Evil Squirrels (POES) there were even several lawyers! I stopped just long enough to toss a grenade their way then I sprinted off in the opposite direction. The people who say I can sprint have never seen me run from lawyers.

A few minutes and a chase scene later I ran into Diana and Ryan.

“Hey we distracted the guards” they told me.

“that’s great” I told them as I ran past them followed closely by the angry mob of evil minions. “new plan… RUN!!!!”

“hey wouldn’t now be a good time to pull that thing that’s going to help us escape out of your ass?” asked Ryan

“First of all I’m going to pull it out of my trench coat… not my ass, and second I have to wait until we are about ready to get captured to use it”

Pretty soon we ran into a dead end. “Ok now I can use it” I said as I reached into my trench coat… not my ass and pulled out a Can o’ Wormhole and used my turkey foot to open it.

“see!” I told Ryan and Diana as we were sucked through the wormhole to a random time/place/ dimension “I told you it was useful”.

“Wow” I thought as I was flying through the wormhole “I must be on the thirteenth page… I didn’t think this plot would last this long.”

Pretty soon we fell out of the wormhole onto some misinterpretations of clouds. “Hey we must be in Norse Mythology.” Said Diana.

“what makes you say that?” I asked as I noticed the rather large neon sign that said “WELCOME TO ASGARD” “this could be any mythology with a hevean named Asgard.” Well it turns out Diana was right, as she often is in those cases. It also turns out that Asgard is just one giant bar.

Anyway I’ve had pretty good relations with the Norse in the past so the bouncer at the door recognized me and let me in immediately. Ryan and Diana, this being their first story, hadn’t had time to establish a good reputation yet and it took at bit of “convincing” to get them in.

Once we had gotten inside I bought mead for everyone. After several mugs of mead Thor walked up to me. “Are you really Malo Beto?” he asked.

“Um… Yeah” I replied

“Gasp!” said Thor “Will you autograph my hammer?”

“Well what do you have to offer?”

“I could be your slave for the rest of eternity…”

“hmm that’s a bit cheaper than I usually go for but I’m kind of desperate right now so ill accept your offer”

I autographed Thor’s hammer and drank a few more mugs of mead before I decided while Asgard was nice, it would probably be a good time to get back to the plot. “So does anyone know what time period we’re in?” I asked.

“About 30 A.D. by your calendar” said Thor.

“Hey does anyone mind if we stop by Israel?” I asked “I told Jesus I’d stop and say ‘hi’ by next time I got the chance.”

No one had a problem with it, although Diana and Ryan were skeptical as to whether I was actually on good terms with Jesus, so I had Thor fly us down to Israel.

“Hey Malo Beto.” Said Jesus.

“Hey, Jesus” I said “I brought some beer”.

“Awesome” Said Jesus “ I should introduce you to my Apostles…”

“No it’s fine, I’ve already read all your autobiographies”

“What we get autobiographies?”

“Yeah there’s quite a few of them, but they all leave out a lot of the awesome stuff you did, and make up a lot of boring details”.

“Wow that sucks”

“Yeah too bad you’re Neutral Good otherwise you could sue them, or smite them with a bolt of lightning or something.”

“Yeah whatever. So are you coming to our Last Supper/Crucifixion (also called the Passover) party tomorrow?”

“Yeah sure but then we got to go finish up the plot.”

“Wow you’ve never had a plot before!”

“Yeah that’s what everyone one’s been saying.”

I was getting hungry so I decided to go to town and get a nice meal at a Jewish restaurant. Diana and Ryan tried to insist on staying behind and annoying Jesus with their silly questions so I had to have Thor, quite literally, drag them along.

When we got to town we went to my favorite Jewish Restaurant named Die Zehn Juden in den Keller, they had two slogans, the first was “All out food may be insanely overpriced but at least it tastes good” and the second “Ich habe zehn Juden in meinem keller”. We took a table by the window (or at least where there should have been a window, the Jews were too cheap to buy one.).

Almost immediately a waiter walked up to us. “Ok I’ll take your orders now” said the waiter.

“Umm ok… ill have the ham, bacon, pork, baked beans, and spam, with a side of shellfish.” I said.

“I guess ill have the same thing” said Diana not knowing what to order sense the Jews were too cheap to have menus.

“Yeah I guess I will too.” Said Ryan also confused by the lack of menus.

“Ok ill be back shortly with your meal” said the waiter.

Apparently a radical Jewish group called Judean People’s Front, not the People’s Front of Judea or the Popular Front, had overheard what we had ordered what we had ordered and ambushed us.

They captured us and took us out to the edge of town and told us we were going to be executed for blasphemy. “See you shouldn’t blaspheme” Diana told me.

“Hey it was Blasphemy Day I thought I might as well celebrate it to its fullest.” I said, “Anyway they are going to execute you and Ryan too so maybe you should take your own advice”.

“SILENCE!” demanded the Leader of the Judean People’s Front “You’re only making it worse for yourself!”

“Really?” I asked skeptically “ I didn’t think it got much worse that execution…”

“Well we could always elevate it from stoning to something a little more… interesting.”

“Oh please do!”

“Huh?”

“Well stoning is pretty boring and over rated… no matter what way your thinking of it”

“We could always crucify you”

“Wow you Jews are unimaginative”

“That’s racist”

“Well the best form of execution that you can think of is something you stole from the Romans and even that isn’t all that bad comparatively I mean the whole Jesus suffered thing blew it way out of proportion”

“Well then what would you suggest?”

“Personally I'm partial to what the Shrike does to its victims, which is impale them on a giant spiky tree outside of time so that they are stuck there for eternity, but I don’t think you have the capacity to do anything like that so I’ll settle for something like the blood eagle.”

“The what?”

“The blood eagle. Here untie me and ill show you.” So they untied me and I demonstrated the blood eagle on the leader then shot the rest of the Judean People’s Front.

Well that whole event caused us to be slightly late to Jesus’ party and we missed his four stalkers, Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John, getting thrown out.

It’s a common misconception about the Last Supper that Jesus purposefully didn’t drink the fourth cup of wine you’re supposed to drink at the Passover. It is true that he didn’t drink it but he didn’t really do it on purpose. You see the wine they were using at that particular Passover was not only some of the best wine in history but also some of the strongest. The alcohol content would have made it closer to vodka than actual wine. Anyway Jesus could never hold his liquor very well and he passed out right after the third cup.

By the time Jesus had woken up the apostles had dragged him out this garden next The Mount of Olives, which was the name of the restaurant where they were having the Passover it was also a predecessor of Olive Garden. Needless to say Jesus had a pretty bad hangover and again needless to say Jesus wasn’t thinking very well that night and he allowed himself to be captured.

The next day I decided to go to the crucifixion. It was pretty much an average crucifixion, a bunch of guys slowly being asphyxiated on a large wooden “t”. Jesus didn’t last very long though, only about three hours, but I guess that was probably because he had a heart attack while he was up there and no one knew CPR.

Later that night Jesus walked through my door. “You know the generally accepted practice is knocking before you come in,” I said “not that I’m usually for going with the generally accepted practice, but in this case its for your own good.”

“Sorry” said Jesus “its just that I haven’t been able to phase through walls like that for

32 years. Anyway I came here to ask you if you would like to help me kill some demons.”

“Of course I would!” I replied.

“Awesome!” said Jesus.

Of course Jesus didn’t tell me that the whole point of killing the demons was to break some souls out of Sheol.

“Damn it!” I said, “You caused me to do another good deed. You’re ruining my reputation!”

“Another good deed?” asked Jesus. “You’ve done others?”

“Well technically one” I said “and that’s technically in the future”

“Yeah well you have to admit killing those demons was fun”

“It was I guess… kind of reminded me of Doom”

“What are you talking about?” asked Jesus

“Oh its just a future old video game” I said “Anyway how would you like to come with us now that your kind of like a lich or something so we can have a complete five man band again?”

“I guess I can for a bit” said Jesus “but I can’t stay for too long I’ve got other places I should be.”

I told Thor, Ryan, and Diana that Jesus was coming with us. Thor wasn’t very happy about it but Ryan and Diana were so happy they started praying at Jesus. It took a couple persuasion checks from both me and Jesus to finally convince them that it was both unnecessary and highly annoying.

“So where ate we going now?” asked Thor.

“I need to make a stop by Mount Olympus” I said “I have a Vendetta against one of the Gods there and I’ve scheduled a duel for tomorrow.”

So we spent the rest of the day journeying to Mount Olympus, and then the entire next morning climbing up it.

“You know we could have just flown up here.” Commented Jesus

“Yeah but that’s not nearly as epic” I replied “According to my plot contract I get paid every time I either do something epic, or reveal/make up some random part of my back story… and that’s why we’re here, to do both.”

“What god are you going to kill anyway?” asked Diana.

“Zeus” I said “he’s a jerk, even for a god.” I ran up to the gates of Mount Olympus and kicked them down. Then I shot Hermes in the face and took his shoes. “Hey Zeus!” I shouted after I had finished looking Hermes’ corpse.

“What?!” shouted Jesus and Zeus back at the same time.

“Not you” I told Jesus

“Oh…” said Jesus.

I grabbed my .44 magnum and began walking slowly toward Zeus. “Hello… my name is Malo Beto… You killed my father… prepare to die.”

“What the hell are you talking about?!” asked Zeus

“Its all a part of the made up back story, just play along”

“Ok, fine,” said Zeus “but could you at least give me a few minutes to prepare and write my will.”

“Fine” I sighed. I was kind of anxious to get on with the plot but I figured I better use this time to get drunk off of Thor’s Asgard mead. I always fight better drunk. I doubt I would have needed it but you never know with these Greek gods.

Several minutes and about sixty mugs of mead later me and Zeus faced off in Mount Olympus’ arena. Creatures from all over Greek mythology came to watch but Ryan and Diana were technically the only humans.

Zeus started off by hurling several lightning bolts at me. I skillfully dodged/stumbled drunkenly around them while periodically throwing some insults back at him. Once Zeus realized that it was next to impossible to hit me while I was drunk he decided he’d have better chances at melee range and he formed his remaining lightning bolts into a giant lightning BFS. He was wrong. He came in swinging low but I easily jumped over that and countered by poking him in the eyes. He stumbled backward in pain but still managed to swing again, this time for my head. I ducked and rolled inside the reach of his sword. Quickly before he had fully recovered I kicked him in the balls. Zeus went down.

“I thought we agreed nothing below the belt!” He whined.

“Yeah but you’re not wearing a belt” I replied. “Anyway this is getting boring. Jesus brings up the Holy Hand Grenade!”

Jesus slowly began to bring me the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch very slowly, dramatically and with much chanting. By the time he actually got it to me Zeus had crawled to his feet and was about to charge at me again. Quickly I pulled out they holy pin, counted “ONE!… TWO!… FIVE!…”

“Three sir” said Thor.

“THREE!!!” and I lobbethed thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch upon Zeus and he was blown to tiny bits… in they mercy…

“So how are we going to get back to the future?” asked Diana as I began searching for stuff to loot from Mount Olympus.

“Ummm… I think Jesus can do that” I replied

“Actually I’ve got to go” said Jesus “sorry…”

“Wait!” shouted Ryan “could you at least destroy FATAL before you go?”

“That’s insulting!!!” cried Jesus as he called down a tactical nuke strike from God to smite Ryan and as a side effect destroyed Mount Olympus. Fortunately Diana, Thor, and Me were able to escape by hiding in a conveniently located vault.

“I thought named characters could only die in an epic battle.” Said Diana.

“Well going down with most of the Greek pantheon seems pretty epic to me” I said “Anyway I doubt he’ll be dead for long”

“Why’s that?” asked Diana

“I’ll probably start getting angry letters… and bombs from the Neil O’Ryan/Ryan O’Neil Fan Club”

“Oh… what about the Diana Stanley Fan Club?”

“I don’t think you’ve done anything to deserve one yet.”

Diana probably would have punched me but I had karma insurance.

Meanwhile Ryan was trying to get into heaven:

“So why wont you let me into heaven?” asked Ryan

“I told you sir,” said St. Peter “it clearly states on the gate ‘No shoes, No shirt, No entrance’. You obviously have neither.”

“But that’s not my fault!” shouted Ryan “God hit me with a tactical nuke”

“I’m sorry sir, but God’s contract clearly states that he is not responsible for anything bad that happens to people, even if he directly causes the event himself.”

“But…” stared Ryan but suddenly a Cherub flew up and handed St Peter a letter. Peter opened it a quickly read it.

“I’m sorry to inform you that God was going to let you in because he was part of your fan club but you questioned him so now is leaving you fan club and sending you to Hell”…

Back in the vault me, Thor, and Diana had just been captured by the vault dwellers.

“Why are people in vaults always so hostile?” asked Thor.

“How would you feel if you were locked down here for two hundred years without any beer?” replied one of the guards.

“What this is a dry vault?!” gasped Thor “That’s terrible.”

Suddenly I had an idea “John has a long Moustache.” I said

“What?” said Diana.

“Yes he does,” said Thor.

“JOHN HAS A LONG MOUSTASCHE!” I shouted.

“Oh right” said Thor as he pulled out a keg of Asgard Mead and tossed it to the guards.

“Wow this stuff is awesome!” said the guards.

The vault dwellers made us their new leaders and we led them in an epic revolt against the evil overseer who I turned into a bloody mess using a baseball bat.

Down in Hell Ryan was starting to realize what was going on.

“Oh crap…” said Ryan as he saw some of the stuff he had to roll 1d100,000 for “hell is just one huge game of FATAL”

“Little did Ryan know he was only slightly off. Hell itself wasn’t a game of FATAL just the part reserved for the worst people in the universe” said the Narrirator.

“Wow thanks” said Ryan

“No problem” said the Narrirator.

After many hours of painful character creation Ryan set off to find a way out of Hell… or at least out of this part of Hell.

“ Wonder who the DM is” thought Ryan. Within a couple seconds his question was answered when a swarm of zombies jumped out of nowhere and started dancing Thriller toward him.

Because this was FATAL and no task is too trivial for a stupid chart, Ryan had to make a Wisdom check to see if he understood that the zombies wanted to kill him. Ryan had a pretty high Wisdom score so the only way for him to fail was if he rolled a one. Of course Finagle’s Law of Dynamic Negatives demands that he does.

“Crap I rolled a one” said Ryan “Hey look some friendly zombies”.

Ryan decided that he wanted to run up and hug one of the “friendly” zombies, but first he had to make Dexterity check, to see if he could run to the zombie without tripping, and a grapple check, to see how well he could hug the zombie. He barely passed the Dex check, so he got to the zombie without falling on his face and only stumbling a few times, and then rolled a Nat 20 on his grapple check, which caused him to hug the zombie so hard it exploded and killed several of the zombies standing next to it.

Within seconds the rest of the horde of zombies swarmed Ryan. “I can’t keep making defense checks forever” thought Ryan “I need an escape plan. Fortunately Ryan didn’t need escape plan because a couple seconds later he heard someone scream “LEEROOOOOOOY JINKENS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” followed by many more similar screams as a Giant wave of human paladins charged down the hill and killed all the zombies with their overpowered paladin powers.

“Wow thanks” said Ryan

“No problem” said the leader of the Leeroy Jenkins Guild “you are the Messiah after all.”

“Wait…”what?”

“You are on a quest to destroy FATAL right?”

“Yeah but there’s this guy named Jesus…”

“We know that guy,” said Leeroy.

“You do?” asked Ryan

“Yeah he’s a jerk its partially his fault we’re here in the first place”

What, no…”

“Yeah you’re the real messiah” interrupted another Leeroy.

“Ok fine” said Ryan “as your messiah I order you to convert to Christianity”.

The Leeroy Jenkins Guild stared at him blankly for several seconds. Finally a Leeroy shouted, “The real Ryan would never say that”.

“He must be the Anti-Ryan added another”

“Burn him!” shouted a third.

They dragged Ryan back to their church and impaled him on a stake in the front yard while they went to get some wood to burn him with. Luckily Ryan was also being stalked by some protestant Ryanists were also stalking him and as soon as the Leeroy Jenkins Guild had left they ran in, grabbed him and brought him back to their church where he met their leader, Lartin Muther.

“Thanks” said Ryan “but I’m not sure I want to be rescued by more Ryanists”

“Don’t worry,” said Lartin Muther “we’re not like the other Ryanists. We know the TRUTH.”

“So what is the TRUTH?”

“Umm… its an acronym for something but I can’t remember what”

“I thought you said you knew the TRUTH!”

“Well I get the general concept of it” Said Lartin Muther

“And that would be?” asked Ryan.

“Well basically in order for you to destroy FATAL you first need to form a nine man band called ‘the Fellowship that (for legal reasons) Must not Be Named. Then you’ll have to journey to the Black Land of Copyright Immunity where you will have to cast FATAL into the fires of Mt. This is not a Lord of the Rings Reference.”

“Ok but where am I supposed to find eight more people?” asked Ryan.

“Well” said Lartin Muther “we’ve been anticipating this for quite a long time so we've already put together your party for you”

“Wow that’s nice,” said Ryan “so who’s all in this party?”

“I can’t really tell you that” said Lartin Muther “but I assure you none of them are rip offs of other characters in a similar nine man band.”

“Ok, good enough for me” said Ryan who had just failed a detect lie check. “So now I'm assuming that I’m going to spend three epic books journeying to Mt. This is not a Lord of the Rings Reference.”

“Well actually we hired these giant golden eagles to fly you to Mt. This is not a Lord of the Rings Reference so you could save time and paper.”

“That’s great but I get the feeling that we just saved the lives of countless evil mooks and possibly disappointed ‘The Dragon’.”

“That tends to happen when you’re genre savvy,” said Lartin Muther.

The eagles flew Ryan and his Fellowship That (for legal reasons) Must not Be Named to the Black Land of Copyright Immunity. They almost made it to Mt. This is not a Lord of the Rings Reference but were shot down by Anti-Aircraft guns somewhere near its base. Ryan ran up the mountain looking for the entrance while the rest of the party, who (for legal reasons) must not be named, held off the orcs and other such mooks.

It didn’t take Ryan long to find the door into Mt. This is not a Lord of the Rings Reference. It was locked. “Oh no…” said Ryan as he saw a…(the rest of this scene has been censored due to being extremely disturbing as would be expected from a FATAL game run by Michael Jackson.)

After Ryan had gotten the key out of the (this noun has been censored) by (this action has been censored) with (this word has been censored), he ran into Mt. This is not a Lord of the Rings Reference and was about to destroy FATAL when me, Diana, Death, Josh, Thej Oker, Thor came through a wormhole in a car.

“RYAN NO!!!!!” I shouted dramatically.

“Huh?” said Ryan asks he had a random twitch and dropped FATAL into the Mountain.

“Damn it Ryan” I said

“Crap” said Death. Diana pulled Ryan into the car and we drove off through another wormhole.

“Ok… So what the hell is going on?” asked Ryan once we were safely in the wormhole.

“Well you see” explained Death “Satan has to keep Hell expanding at a certain rate in proportion to the influx of souls in order to keep Hell from neither freezing over, or breaking lose.”

“Right” said Ryan.

“You also understand the more extreme a soul’s alignment is the more mass it has right?”

“Right”

“Well you see that’s not much of a problem for heaven because there are so few extremely good souls. Hell on the other hand would never be able to contain the amount of purely evil souls that there are. So Satan hired a man called Byron Hall to create the most foul, vile, and disgusting game in existence. As you should already know this was called FATAL and it was so terrible that the laws of physics refused to associate with it and therefore it could hold an infinite amount of souls. Now Satan wasn’t cruel enough to send every soul that came his way to FATAL no matter how much easier it would make his life. He decided to use it as a storage device for the most cruel and evil souls possible. ”

“Oh that makes sense,” said Ryan “so now that I’ve destroyed FATAL all those massively evil souls will be released into Hell. Which will cause all Hell to break lose.”

“Exactly” said Death.

“Now I feel terrible,” said Ryan.

“It could always be worse,” said Death “You could still be stuck in FATAL getting keys from (this word has been censored).

A few Minutes (in wormhole time) later. We flew out of the wormhole and landed atop some random French guy in Paris.

“Ok” said Death “here’s the plan, three major Portals to hell have opened up. One in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, Thej Oker and Josh you can get that one. One in Vatican city…”

“Me and Thor call that one!” I shouted

“Fine” said Death “but no killing the Pope/Emperor Palpatine.”

“Grumble” I said disappointingly.

“Ok so that leaves the one in the Himalayas for me, Ryan and Diana.” Said Death.

Josh and Thej Oker

So each of the three parties went their separate ways. Josh and Thej Oker journeyed east to the mythical land of Germany because they had great beer there and nothing help you think of a way to get to the middle of the Pacific Ocean to close a portal to Hell like a nice cold beer.

As soon as they got to Germany the found the closest decent looking bar and josh, wanting to try out some of his new used catch phrases, kicked down the door and screamed “I NEED BEER!!!!! GIVE ME BEER!!!!!” Now if this had been a grocery store and if josh had been asking for eggs instead of beer he would have probably been arrested but that’s a different story and this was a bar so they were used to much worse. The bartender took all their money and gave them a few beers.

A few hours later, after Josh and Thej Oker were nice and drunk, a pair of dragons named Mike and Ike crashed through the roof and ate the bartender.

“Hey” said Thej Oker.

“Hey” said Mike and Ike

“Hey!” said the bartender

“Shut up and drink your beer there’s sober kids in India!” shouted josh.

(Insert a moment of silence to drink your beer here)

“Hey we haven’t seen you guys in a while” said Thej Oker.

“Yeah we’ve been kind of busy recently,” said Mike

“Whatever” said Thej Oker “Anyway we need to get to the middle of the Pacific Ocean to destroy a portal to Hell”

“Wow that’s convenient,” said Mike “were heading that way you can just get a ride with us.”

“Wow” said Josh “given the fact that most people who will be reading this will probably have no idea who you two are, It seems like the author must have just pulled this out of his ass in order to get us to the Middle of the Pacific.”

“Yeah that’s pretty accurate” Replied Ike.

“Hey wait a minute,” said Thej Oker “Josh your last sentence didn’t have any catch phrases in it!”

“So” said josh

“Well it says in your contract that you have to have a minimum of one catch phrase per sentence”

“(This phrase has been censored)” screamed Josh as he was dragged away by a pair of lawyers never to be seen or heard from again… at least until I decide to bring him back.

So Mike and Ike flew Thej Oker to the portal to Hell somewhere in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean and easily destroyed the portal with Mike and Ike’s mostly fire breath. It was so easy that they were almost immediately eaten by Cthulhu.

Malo Beto and Thor

About five hours after Thej Oker, Mike, and Ike were eaten by Cthulhu me and Thor were in trying to find a way to get into the Vatican to destroy the portal to Hell. Based off my last visit there I would probably be shot on sight and a Norse god probably wouldn’t be very welcome either.

Finally it came down to a vote Thor wanted to just charge in and kill everything. That would have normally been fine with me but I had promised death I wouldn’t kill Emperor Popeatine and my vote overruled Thor’s vote so we ended up smuggling ourselves in with the help of my good friend Padre Pablo the Gordo Preist.

Padre Pablo got us to St. Peter’s Square. Then he dressed us as preists. To get us the rest of the way. At first I thought we’d be recognized immediately but I soon realized that everyone was too busy running and/or defending themselves from the onslaught of evil souls to pay any attention to us.

We easily made our way into St. Peter’s Bassilica were I sent Thor off to find the portal on his own because I wanted to watch the epic lightsaber duel between Lartin Muther and Emperor Popeatine. Which ended with the Emperor cutting off Lartin Muther’s hand and Lartin barely escaping by jumping out of a window.

The Emperor noticed me almost immediately after the duel was over. And began charging after me. Normally I would have just shot him in the face and been done with it but I remembered that promised Death not to kill him so I ran.

Suddenly I heard a voice in my head that said “Do a U-turn!” I did a U-turn and came face to face with the Emperor who was fireing force lighting at me. “DO A BARREL ROLL!!!!” I heard the voice scream. I did a barrel roll and the force lightning just bounced off.

Apparently Thor was taking quite a while to destroy the portal because his hammer didn’t go in it just impacted on the surface. So I decided I probably should go and help him. I was about ready to get in range to shoot the portal by the emperor had a lock on me and I couldn’t do any more barrel rolls for a couple seconds. Suddenly Diana, Ryan, and Death flew down in the Mullineum Falcon and shot next to the emperor so he would tumble out of a window but not die so I could bring him back in another epic if need be.

Diana, Ryan, and Death gave me the distraction I needed to use my prototype fatman destroy the Portal along with a large chunk of Vatican city.

Ryan, Diana, and Death

Now you may be wondering how the Hell Ryan, Diana, and Death got the Mullineum Falcon or you may not but that’s your problem not mine. Death happened to be good friends with Admiral Akbar, because he knows if something is a trap, and to save time and paper she had him bombard the himilayas with the rebel fleet.

After that Death got the feeling that letting me go to the Vatican was probably a bad idea. So she stole the Mullineum Flacon from the only black guy in the galaxy, Lando Calrissian, and her, Diana, and Ryan went to the Vatican and saved my ass.

Back Aboard the Rebel Flag Ship: Home One

“So I assume you need to get back to your plot” said Death.

“yeah probably” I said “you probably have stuff you need to get back to as well”

“Yep” said Death “but I’ve arranged with Admiral Akbar to have you shot in an escape pod down into Bueno Beto’s office so you can finally finish up this epic.”

“Thanks” I said “I was wondering when I was finally going to be able to get to the final epic duel.”

“No problem” said Death as she disappeared.

A few days later me, Ryan, and Diana were loaded onto an escape pod and Thor was loaded into a separate escape pod because he was too fat to fit in ours and shot down toward Bueno Beto’s office.

A few minutes later our escape pod crashed through Bueno Beto’s office in Bueno Beto City going aproxamatly 247 mph.

“Really?!” said Bueno Beto who was now quite annoyed “haven’t you heard of respecting other people’s property?… or knocking? That’s the second time you’ve done something like that in this epic.”

“Well you used FATAL as a method of torture.” I said “not even I’m that cruel”

“Touche” said Bueno Beto “but it doesn’t matter… Chuck Norris will kill you”. Suddenly Chuck Norris burst out of Bueno Beto’s closet. Before he had a chance to roundhouse kick me in the face I used the scroll of summon undead Bruce Lee.

(The following epic battle was censored not because it was too bloody or violent but because the awesomeness could not be contained on paper. Bruce Lee won by the way)

“damn” said Bueno Beto “I wasn’t expecting that. Well anyway no time to monolgue” He pulled out a gun and shot Diana then jumped into a wormhole he kept in his fireplace.

“Diana NO!!!!!” shaouted ryan as he, like most stupid heros, ran to help her.

“yeah you do that” I told Ryan as I followed Bueno Beto through the wormhole.

Right as Diana got shot a group of five people decided to band together to form the Diana Stanley Fan Club. Now Diana could die at least semi-peacefully Knowing that while she didn’t have her own religion, at least she had a fan club.

A couple minutes later Diana died semi-peacefully yet still most likely fairly painfully because the bullet lodged in her lung which basically caused her to drown in her own blood. Although its not as bad as a gut shot Diana probably wont like me giving her that type of death… or at least in that detailed discription. In that situation I will have to remind her that at least she didn’t fall off a bridge into a large body of water.